Redefined Words

I am still digging through the "Humor" folder on the backup hard drive. I ran across this.

The following are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea is to redefine words from the dictionary.

Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Nincompoop--n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Internet--n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton.
Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Mausoleum--n., floor covering used in crypts. Attractive from the top and bottom.
Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayerbook together just before Vespers.
Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Lobster--n., a slick-talking, oily, obnoxious person who represents special interest groups on Capitol Hill.
Macadam--n., the first man on Earth, according to the Celtic bible.
Marionettes--n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.