Signs: In One Minute or Less

Signs is a 2002 alien invasion scifi movie starring Mel Gibson and Joaquim Phoenix.  It was written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan.  This is my one-minute version.

Bo:  Daddy, there’s a monster in my bedroom, can I have a glass of water?

Graham:  Bo, we’ve been through this before, Merrill is not a monster, he’s just weird.

Merrill:  What was that noise?

Graham:  That was Bo asking for a glass of water.

Merrill:  No, the one from outside.

Graham:  You mean that whoosh of a fast moving object, followed by the hum of a hovering flying saucer?

Merrill:  Yeah, that one!

Graham:  I don’t know.  Go to bed!

Morgan:  Dad, you should go out into the corn field and see the crop circles the aliens left.

Graham:  Now Morgan, you know it was the Hick brothers.

Merrill:  Naw, it was nerds with boards.

Graham:  Like I said.

Morgan:  But Dad, Fang was acting strange and I had to kill him with my screwdriver, doesn’t that mean it was aliens?

Officer Paski:  What kind of a machine could knock down corn like that, anyway.

Merrill:  Oh gosh, I don’t know, maybe a tractor, or a thresher, or a bulldozer, or a tank, or a backhoe, or a …

Graham:  It’s too perfect to have been done by hand, at least here in the USA.  Maybe it was the Japanese.

Paski:  Well, I think it was them Hick brothers, Cletus and Fergis.

Merrill:  … or a power rake, or a steamshovel, or a rototiller, or a …

Bo:  There’s strange things on TV, Daddy.  I’m scared.  Can I have another glass of water and a hot dog with no mustard and a new puppy called Fang Two?

Morgan:  My book about aliens, says they’re hostile, and they want to take over the earth, and they have 47 eyes, and they speak Chinese.

Graham:  Well, I’m going over to see Ray and find out if there’s any aliens in his pantry.

Ray:  Hi, Father.  Sorry about smooshing your wife and all that.

Graham:  Aw, shucks.  It's no big deal, OK?  Oh, and it’s not “Father” anymore, it’s “Master.”

Ray:  Um, OK, whatever.  Look, I’m going down to the lake and there’s an alien in my pantry.

Graham:  I knew it!

Alien:  Ha ha!  Real funny guys!  OK, you had your fun, now let me out.  Um…  Guys!  I’ll just stick my hand under the door here and see if I can unlatch the…. Oowwwwwch!  Why you….

Graham:  Well, there’s an alien over in Ray’s kitchen and he was very hostile.  Let’s board up the house, in case he figures out where we live, OK?

Merrill:  Graham!  This is really creepy.  You should see what’s on the TV now!

Morgan:  Merrill, you’ve got the wrong station.  You’re watching the X-Files.

Bo:  Daddy, I lost my doll and Morgan’s a gooberhead and Merrill was hitting things with his bat while you were gone and the dog barked a lot and can I have a glass of water with no poison in it this time?

Graham:  Not now, honey.

Merrill:  Aw!  Crapsie, they’re in the house.  Quick, everyone into the basement!

Morgan:  Dad, Bo’s poking me!

Bo:  Am not!

Morgan:  Are too!

Bo: Am not!

Alien:  Oh shut up!

All:  Aaaaaaaaahhhh!

Merrill:  Well, he’s gone for now.  Tell me something that will comfort me, Graham.

Graham:  OK.  Merrill, there are two kinds of people.  Those who regularly take showers and those who don’t.  Which type are you, Merrill?

Merrill:  What are you implying, Graham?

Graham:  Nothing really.  My point is that we’re all gonna die soon, so what does it matter if we’ve taken a shower or not?

Merrill:  Gee, thanks for the comfort, brother.

Graham:  That’s, “Master.”

Merrill:  It’s morning and we’re all alive, let’s go upstairs even though we should all know better from all the other monster movies we’ve watched.

Rest:  OK.

Alien:  Ha Ha Ha Ha!  I was hiding.  Tag!  Morgan’s it!  Wait a minute, he’s really sick!  It’s a good thing I’m a doctor.  Here’s let me give him a little shot to help with that asthma.

Bo:  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Graham:  Swing away, Merrill!

Merrill:  But, I don’t like the swing set.  It makes my stomach upset.

Graham:  No, Merrill, Swing Away!

Merrill:  What?  I don’t understand.  Is it OK if I just walk away?

Graham:  Hit the alien with your baseball bat, you moron!

Merrill:  Oh!  OK, I get it now!  (hits alien repeatedly)

Alien:  Oooof.  Arrrgh!  Ouch!  Hey!  Ooof!

Bo:  Die you dirty, body-snatching, alien scum!  (pours glass of water on the alien.  Alien dies.)

Graham:  He’s dead!  You can stop hitting him now, Merrill.  How did you know that water would kill him, Bo?

Bo:  I didn’t use water, Daddy.  That was battery acid.