Jurassic Park: In One Minute or Less

The 1993 Classic; an adaptation of Michael Crichton's novel by Steven Speilberg.

Smart Palentologist Dude (SPD):  Oh wow, look!  A Velociraptor skelton!

Sexy Paelobotanist Lady (SPL):  With fossilized leaves!

Rich Eccentric Millionaire (REM):  Come with me to Central America and I’ll give you lots of money.

SPD & SPL:  OK, if you insist!

REM:  Here hop into the helicopter and allow me to introduce Irritating Mathematician Genius and Pathetically Expendable Lawyer.

PEL:  (depressingly)  Hi, I’m gonna die soon.

IMG:  Hi, I’m not, but I’m gonna spend the rest of the movie hitting on SPL!

REM:  Well, stop doing it now.  We’ve arrived at my new theme park!  Here we have recreated dinosaurs by sucking DNA from old bits of amber.

SPD:  How did the DNA survive intact for millions of years?

REM:  Not all of it did, so we just made up the missing parts.

SPL:  That explains why the brontosauruses over there all have markings on their hide that look suspiciously like your theme park logo.

IMG:  And the three legged triceratops with two heads!

SPD:  Did you recreate any mean dinosaurs?

Paranoid Hunter Guide (PHG):  Yes, Veliciraptors. They’re faster than cheetahs, stronger than elephants, smarter than Einstein, and they only eat the tenderest parts of human flesh.  You can’t kill them with guns, grenades or nuclear weapons. And they’re really, really nasty and angry.

SPD:  Why?

REM:  Because we made their hide a really cute pink color.

IMG:  This isn’t going to work.  It’s all gonna explode on you.man!  (pops a couple of colored pills).  OK, I feel better now.

REM:  Be that as it may, a killer storm is coming soon, so I suggest you all go out on a tour now and get caught in it!  Oh, I almost forgot, my grandkids are going with you.

Annoying Kid One (AK1) and Annoying Kid Forty-Seven (AK-47):  (annoyingly)  Hi!

SPD:  I hate kids!

IMG:  I’m really smart, and I suggest we divide into two groups so we can be separated during the storm.  I’ll go with Sexy Paleobotanist Lady and the rest of you go together.

Rest:  We don’t want to but, OK.

Fearsome Enraged Tyrannosaurus  (FET):  ROAAAAAR!  Snarl, Slobber, ROAAAR!

PEL:  Oh, that’s my cue!  AAAAAHHHH!  WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

FET:  GULP!  (swallows PEL)  YUM!  ROAAAAAR!

Fat Computer Geek (FCG):  Now that everyone is distracted I’m gonna steal some dinosaur embryos and run away!  Then I’ll be rich, rich, RICH!

FET:  ROARRRRR!  STILL HUNGRY!!  (eats FGC and his car in one gulp).

AK1 & AK-47:  We’re scared!  Save us, Smart Palentologist Dude!

SPD:  OK, stop whinning.  I hate kids, but I guess I’ll use my powers of reason to overcome our fear and we’ll just….  AAAAHHHH, Velociraptors!  RUN AWAY!

IMG:  Common, you foxy lady!  Just one little smoochie, huh?

SPL:  Buzz off!  Look the power went out and the Velociraptors are chasing everyone around, let’s rescue them!

IMG:  Can’t it wait a minute?

Backup Computer Geek:  I’m gonna run out all alone to reset the power and get eaten.  PHG, you wait five minutes and do the same thing.

PHG:  Right-o, Mate!

SPD:  Whew, we’re back to the main compound.  You kids go play in the kitchen with the vicious man-eating carnivores while I make sure Irritating Mathematician Genius hasn’t been hitting on my girlfriend too much!

REM:  Quick, everyone into the helicopter.  The Velociraptors have staged a military coup and taken oven the island!  They’re rounding up all the humans and either putting them in jail or into the all-you-can-eat buffet!

All:  Yea!  We’re safe!

IMG:  I hope we all learned a lesson from this.

REM:  Yes.  Dinosaur disaster movies make lots of money!  Here’s to Jurassic Park II!!!