Fellowship of the Ring: In One Minute or Less

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is the first of Peter Jackson's trilogy based on J. R. R. Tolkien's novels.

A long time ago the Dark Lord Sauron made a ring.  It was bad.

Bilbo:  Hello there!  A ring!  Guess I'll put it in my pocket and keep it.

Gollum:  Noooooooooo!

Many years later…

Bilbo:  I'm a really old, excentric fart now and I'm turning elventy-one and, basically, I hate all you fat lazy hobbits.  So goodbye!

Gandalf:  (using an ominous voice) Bilbo, give the Ring to Frodo before you leave!  If you don't, I will grow big and scary and speak in an even more ominous voice!

Bilbo:  I don’t want to, but OK.

Frodo:  The ring!  The ring!  It's mine!  All mine!  My precious!  My…  Oh, hello Gandalf.

Gandalf:  Don't use the ring!  I'm leaving.

Frodo:  OK

Gandalf:  I'm back.  Your ring is evil and you need to run away from here. I'm leaving again.

Frodo:  Come on Sam, lets go!

Sam:  I don't want to, but OK.

Pippen & Merry:  We're coming too because the book says we have to, but we're going to be annoying the whole time!

Frodo & Sam:  We know.

Black Rider:  Sniff, Sniff.  Grunt.  Sniff.  I wish I had a speaking part!  Sniff.

All 4 hobbits:  Run away!  Run away!

Frodo:  OK, here we are in Bree.  Remember I am not Mr. Baggins I'm Mr. Underhill.

Other 3 hobbits:  OK!

Pippin:  (loudly)  I'm gonna get a pint, OK, Frodo Baggins!  Ooops!

Strider:  You are stupid, and I am threatening, but nice.  Run away with me or the Dark Riders will scare you some more!

All four hobbits:  We don't want to, but OK.

Strider:  Oh no!  The riders are attacking despite my hollow promise to protect you.  Don't put on the ring, Frodo!

Frodo:  Stuff it!  (puts on the ring and gets stabbed)  Crapsie!

Stider:  OK let's get going.  Frodo's sick so but it's OK because we're going to meet my girlfriend halfway!

Arwen:  I'm not supposed to be here according to the book, but here I am!  Do you like the way I glow?  Let's speak Elvish for a bit and then you can strap Frodo to my horse for the dramatic chase scene.

Frodo:  Ooooh.  I'm sick.

Arwen:  Don't throw up on my brand new horse!

Dark Riders:  Sniff, Grunt.  Give hobbit now!

Frodo:  You guys were kings?!

Arwen:  Flood-oh Magic-oh Now-oh.

Water comes crashing down the riverbed.

Riders:  Aaaaaah.  Sniff.

Elrond:  Sorry to push you but we need to have the council now!

Everyone:  Let's argue!  (fighting, scratching and spitting breaks out)

Frodo:  Stop!  I'll take the ring and destroy it!

Gandalf:  Let's go!

Elrond:  Aren't you going to introduce the 9 members of the fellowship first?

Gandalf:  No time!

Aragorn:  Don't call me Strider anymore.  Let's go over a snowy mountain pass in the middle of winter.

Rest:  Let's not!

Gimli:  How about the Mines of Moria, which are now filled with unnamed evil?

Rest:  We don't want to, but OK.

Gandalf:  Ooops!  Looks like Pippen there woke up the Balrog.

Rest:  Gee!  Nice going, Pippen!

Pippen:  Sorry.

Gandalf:  Run, you fools.  And watch out the bridge is slipperyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…….

Aragorn:  Crapsie, Gandalf fell into a bottomless pit!  Let's go visit Galadriel!

Galadriel:  Frodo I want to tempt you.  (slaps him)  Not that way!  Look into the mirror, Geeze!

Frodo:  Aaah!  It's scarey!  You take the ring!

Galadriel:  Yes, Yes!  Alright!  I da Ring Lord!...  Oh wait a minute, It makes you evil doesn't it.  Never mind, you keep it.

Aragorn:  Quick into the boats, we're way over our one-minute time limit.

Frodo:  (to himself)  What shall I do?

Boromir:  Give the ring to me.  I'll use it right.  Gimme gimme gimme!

Gimli:  That's Gimli, not gimme!

Boromir:  Go away you're not in this scene!

Frodo:  No way, you suck!  (puts on the ring and runs away to Mordor)

Sam:  Wait for me Mr. Frodo…

Merry & Pippen:  Hey, look a whole patrol of sleeping orcs!  Let's kick them!

Orcs:  Garn!  Shagmutt!  Kill everyone!  Kidnap hobbits!

Boromir:  I'm sorry Frodo, guess I'll kill some orcs!

Head Orc Dude:  Growl (shoots a bunch of arrows at Boromir)

Boromir:  Maybe not!

Aragorn:  What happened?

Boromir:  Look, I'm lying here almost dead with arrows in me and there's a bunch of dead orcs lying all around and you ask a question like that?  (dies)

Aragorn, Legolas & Gimli:  Let's go kick some orc butt!

TO BE CONTINUED